You\u2019ve been hurt, dumped and duped and you\u2019ve bounced back. You\u2019re still in the game. Then you meet him. He\u2019s a keeper, at least that\u2019s your dream. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ah, yes, close your eyes and let the fantasy play out on the movie screen in your head. Soft Sunday mornings with fresh squeezed orange juice. Romantic walks among colorful foliage in the fall, blossoms in the spring. Intimate dinners and nights lying in each other\u2019s arms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There will be no need to speak; you\u2019ll know each other\u2019s thoughts and be comforted by them. He\u2019ll be your strength, your joy and your safety net. You\u2019ll be his lover, his best friend, and his anchor in life. You\u2019ll even get each other\u2019s jokes.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sigh. Sounds great, doesn’t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let’s say his name is Bennett, but his friend\u2019s call him Benny. He\u2019s single, straight and interested; he invited you to call him Benny within minutes after you met. He makes you laugh, and he actually listens to what you have to say. He\u2019s stressed about the ad campaign he\u2019s working on, but he still makes time for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No more dark, lonely nights, right?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fast-forward a few months. Now things are changing. He seems too tired for everything except sex. You posed a question that made him wince: \u201cBenny, where is this relationship going?\u201d You ignored the warning of the wince, tried not to notice that he appeared weak-kneed, and held onto to his stammered reply, “I don’t want to lose you” like a life preserver in a stormy sea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Are we it forever?” you asked with too much plea in your tone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOf course we\u2019re \u2018it,\u2019 forever,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The words were balm for your soul. Another few months go by. Secretly you are beginning to doubt that you and Benny are really \u2018it\u2019 forever. “It” seems to be only sex–and sometimes he’s losing interest in that. He doesn\u2019t call when he knows you\u2019re having your period. And he avoids making plans more than three or four days in advance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Who knows? Maybe he\u2019s just suffering from settling-down fever. Or maybe he\u2019s going through a rough spot in his life\u2014but if that\u2019s so, why didn\u2019t he talk that out with you? Maybe he just needs more time. But it\u2019s approaching a year! Maybe, maybe, maybe\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you make excuses for the men in your life? Remember Mark, you stuck with him through five rehabs. You gave great advice to Jeremy who confessed to \u201cintimacy issues.\u201d Your advice was so good he left you for your (former!) friend Janice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sound even a little familiar? Consider that you may be one of the many women who suffer from what I call pathological empathy. Pathological empathy is about taking \u201cpoor baby, he needs understanding\u201d over the top. It\u2019s about making excuses for him: \u201cHe\u2019ll come around, he\u2019s just shy. He wants to commit, it\u2019s just that he needs time. He doesn\u2019t call because he\u2019s on the phone for work all day. He\u2019ll go to meetings and get over his drinking issue and then he\u2019ll settle down.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n In its more severe form, a guy doesn\u2019t even have to offer an excuse or explanation for his stall; you\u2019ll come up with explanations that he never even considered. Pathological empathy is about being understanding to the point of ridiculous, but you don\u2019t see it\u2014your heart\u2019s too big and your hope\u2019s too rose-colored. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Get this: It\u2019s not about what he says; it\u2019s about what he does. Consider commitment a verb and look at his actions, not his words. Effective actions\/results demonstrate commitment; words rarely do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In other words, too often when a guy says, \u201cI\u2019m really committed\u2026\u201d he may have a hidden agenda\u2014and it probably involves taking off your clothes to do some horizontal dancing. If he were truly committed, he wouldn\u2019t need to talk about it, he would demonstrate it. Do what most men do, adapt to this part of male psychology\u2014be a behaviorist. Men are less interested in words, and more interested in Show Me! In short, if his actions don\u2019t match his words on the important things and you stay with him, it is at your own peril, you\u2019re gonna crash. Wise up, behavior that is consistent with his words is where it\u2019s at!\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Joel Block, Ph.D. (DrBlock.com) is the author, most recently, of The 15-Minute Relationship Fix: A Clinically-Proven Strategy to Repair and Strengthen Your Love Life<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You\u2019ve been hurt, dumped and duped and you\u2019ve bounced back. You\u2019re still in the game. Then you meet him. He\u2019s a keeper, at least that\u2019s your dream. Ah, yes, close your eyes and let the fantasy play out on the movie screen in your head. Soft Sunday mornings with fresh squeezed orange juice. Romantic walks […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/485"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=485"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/485\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":487,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/485\/revisions\/487"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=485"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=485"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drblock.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=485"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}